Parents, sometimes kids use this word with biting tone.
But what exactly does “whatever” mean? What is your child really saying?
Often, it’s something like this:
“Look, I don’t know exactly how to say this, but honestly, I don’t like what you’re saying! I actually feel a bit threatened right now. You are threatening me getting something I want, getting my way, and I don’t like it.
You see, the amygdala in my brain just got a message that there was a threat to my safety, and although this message isn’t necessarily based on mature, realistic decision making abilities, it feels unsafe. Yes, unsafe.
So my amygdala reacted by sending a quick message to my adrenal glands, which sent adrenaline to my heart, which then sent the adrenaline to my muscular system so I could keep myself safe with fight, flight or freeze.
Yep, that’s pretty much why I said “whatever”.
“Whatever”, is my attempt to set a boundary, to get you to leave me alone. I know, I know, you are probably right, but I can’t hear it right now because my brain is not in that space. You may even be trying to set a good, healthy boundary with me that I need, but part of my job is to test your boundaries to see if I can really trust you!
Anyhow, like I was saying, my nervous system is too busy being in protection mode right now, and I can’t even think straight. I am not rational or logical right now, although I will use plenty of compelling arguments with you right now to distract from the issue at hand.
Look, believe it or not, I am trying, but I don’t have enough tools yet. “Whatever” is a tool that helps me avoid, and it works a lot of the time. But, you see, I know we need to have this talk, and a big part of me doesn’t want to, so I’ll resist… A lot!
But I need you to figure out how to creatively engage me in this discussion, at another time, when you can help me feel safe enough to have it so it’s productive, understanding, so we can both be heard and we can find common ground. Ok?
I do love you, I do not like that I act this way (although I’ll probably never admit it), and I do want/need your boundaries and wisdom (and no, I won’t admit this either). Meanwhile my body is telling me to get away from you. Please understand, and let’s try this another way.
Thanks for understanding,
Your child”
This one was particularly well-done, Seth. I always enjoy reading your posts, but I love how you phrased this one in adolescent brain language. Thanks for all the help you provide for us parents with amazing children who think outside the box. Get well soon!
Glad you liked it Kelye. Hope the end of the school year is going well!
Seth, thanks for posting this. It is so accurate. I knew this, but often get caught off guard when hit with, a defiant “Whatever!” I will read this over and over again so when this happens I can at the very least not have my own reaction. Let it go. Share love, whether it is received or not. And, find another time to set a safety zone to have the dreaded conversation.
Thanks Lynn, and I love how you mention the concept of “reaction”. As parents, increasing the time between stimulus and response/reaction is a HUGE benefit!
Fantastic. Thank you!
HOpe it helps! Thanks Richard
How timely! While we don’t have a “whatever”, we have an “I don’t care” that comes out repeatedly. Wow that can push buttons. Thanks for the reminder and helping a mama out today with your words.
Thanks Alicia- yep, “I don’t care” and other defaults can mean the same thing! Remember, when they “push your buttons”, breathe deeply, regulate yourself, engage your parasympathetic ns, pause! Good luck.
Awesome, Seth! Thanks for sharing your insights in such accessible ways! It helps so much to be reminded not to take these things personally and to remember that there are a lot of messages under the eye rolling and resisting!
Great post…I laughed as I read it. I have forgotten how a teen brain works and thinks, nice reminder for those of us with a teen that is precisely as you described. Thank you for bringing it back to reality for me.
Thanks for your comment Jill – glad you liked it! It is so easy to forget.
Seth, thank you for reframing this trigger word / emotion. I find that I can “see” the whatever on my child’s face even if he does not say it. This blog gives me something to think about while I’m taking a breath and practicing responding, instead of reacting.
You nailed it, breathe to practice better responding rather than reacting!