Summer Reading Blues

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Video transcript:

Hey, what’s up parents? Kid have the summer reading Blues. I know that was cheesy. But whatever. I’m kind of cheesy sometimes the summer reading Blues. This is very serious topic. I got a very serious email and I’ve had emails like this before this one is from Kate Kate. Thank you for your email. I appreciate it Kate you asked me you said do I have any block poster discussions about navigating of the cluster known as summer reading? First of all, I think I actually did do something and if so, I will link it in the blog post on my actual blogs are watching this on YouTube. Click the blog link and unlink it in this blog post. You said we had a great summer and now there are tears in quote. I hate school and craziness related to summer reading. I’m so frustrated help! I’m going to talk to you a little bit about the summer reading Blues. I have 12 things that are going to I’m going to talk about number 12 is the most important one and I’ll get that after the first 11 number one Kate and parents who are going through some of the things with summer reading cake. So I take issue with some of the summer homework in summer reading things not because I don’t think it’s valuable because I do think reading is one was viable things in the world, but because they’re forcing them to do this stuff on their break and you’ve got some Dynamics I mean if you have the kid who loves reading it’s no problem. But if you have a resistant reader, it’s a completely different story and it kind of loses track of the point of reading which is to enjoy it and find Value in it. So I’ll talk more about that. Number one though. If you are dealing with an issue about this is be proactive start early in the summer dealing with this and use a routine now, obviously this doesn’t help you now Kate. This is too late for this issue. But you want to a next summer you want to start early start to begin this summer get buying and ownership from your child make a reading schedule in start a routine. Are they going to follow it all the time? Of course not you’re going to have trips coming up you’re going to have days when there they just don’t feel like it you’re going to have arguments about it’s just not worth the fight. Either way. Try your best to set up a routine and post it out of sight out of mind get a routine posted on the wall be proactive and get started like that. Do you want to start with a routine? So there’s no decision. No, are you going to read today? They made the decision and may I’m going to read on these and these days for this long or this many chapters in this place and you’ve already thought it through so that the decision doesn’t have to be made. It’s just it’s Wednesday. It’s 10 a.m. We read from 10 to 11. And that’s how it is or whatever next your child said I hate I hate and parents don’t want their child to feel that if your child says I hate something that’s that’s a strong word. They’re having emotional experience. So what I’m going to suggest you is don’t try to convince them or logic them or tell them to be rational about that hatred. So don’t try to convince them to not hate that but hold space for them and say, Tell me about that. Let’s unpack that what do you mean? You hate it and find out what that hate is all about and really help your child to feel hurt and listen to and seen and understood around this really try to understand them about when find out what that’s about. Now. You don’t want them to stay stuck in that head obviously, but I’m going to advise you not to give them advice not to tell them how to feel or how not to feel but rather try to get them to reframe it on their own and you might do that by saying well, what do you like about school and explore that tell them stories from your life stories are so powerful for you and being so tell them stories about how you hated something and found out that it really wasn’t that wasn’t the whole picture that was just a small part of it that you were focusing on or whatever true stories from your life irrelevant use Parables or store. It’s like that like there’s the one about feeding the tools you can talk about the story about feeding. The two wolves. Go ahead and look it up on Google and you can adapt it into are you going to feed the wolf of hating these things are look at what you like and what you love you can draw pictures for them like a picture of the glass half-full and half-empty and do something Visual and creative with them to help them reframe it. So anyhow, number two was really about not convincing them but how to hold space so that they can reframe it. Number three again, as a feel hate is a somatic experience that they feeling in the body when they say that that’s cuz something is going on inside of them. Maybe their stomach tense is maybe their shoulder since May their jaw grips, maybe their hands get sweaty and tight. We all have different biomarkers different ways that we experience stress, but they’re feeling of hate is something that’s actually going on into the body. So learning more about body wearing his learning more about somatic therapies, even if you don’t even if you’re not in somatic therapy learning as a parent about cymatics somatic therapy somatic experiencing is experiencing EMDR brainspotting on things like this can help you help your child have greater body Wellness now in our culture, we do not send that very good. Body Awareness Week will say I hate but if I said, where do you hate in your body? You would say I don’t know but if I got to know you and spend some time with you we could try to break down. Oh, well, my stomach gets tight. My jaw gets tight when I feel this thing called hate and so on and so forth, but try to learn about body wellness and bring your child into their body that separates them from the story in the narrative. That was number three number for I’m going to talk about the narrative. Okay, so you sort of have his bodily sensation, but why? Because you have a story in your head and the story is a story that feels threatening the story feels unsafe saying I hate reading really isn’t about reading it’s really about saying I’m associating reading with feeling bad about myself with with feeling bored with feeling forced to sit in the seat doing something that I’m not interested in with read it, you know, there’s more under the surface but what is their story their narrative that’s going on in there head there whatever the story is there feeling threatened in in their the story in their head is that they’re being threatened. Unsafe they feel emotionally unsafe parent you have to understand this. So when they’re having that story in their head that this isn’t safe for me, it’s not just I hate reading it. I feel unsafe doing this what that story about will the end that story is hitting the amygdala the amygdala is hearing. Oh my gosh. I’m going to take the amygdala small part in the brain doesn’t know that it’s a story. It just says, okay. We’re I’ve got this in the amygdala sends a signal to the adrenals or sends Dunnellon to the heart rate sensor General in the muscular system. So that kids are ready for fight flight or freeze and they’re now in anxiety. Okay, they’re nervous system is not saying we’re on safe and their brain now is reaffirming the story see this thing is bad. It’s unsafe. I hate this and it sort of the cycling Loop between the nervous system and the story nervous system in the story. And if you don’t change that story than they can get stuck in that and they can be someone who really struggles with anxiety and depression for years and years and years. So you really want to work on the narrative in the story and help them learn to listen to the story and reframe it and so look up reframing stories and refreshments are really what do you like about school? What are you grateful for? What do you appreciate? What do you think before? What is good? No, this is not easy parents. The nervous system is holding on to that story hard. These are no Pathways that they’ve been working on for a long time. They don’t just vanish but it’s a practice you have to start doing and this gets me to I’m going to skip one. I’m going to skip actually two one for modeling a you as a parent when you model that you are looking at the glass as half-empty and when you model for your kid drama and your own narratives and stories of anxiety and fear in any area of life, but your modeling that’s them they’re learning from that so it comes back to what are you modeling for them to and can you change your own frames on things? If you do that, but most of us human beings tend to do that the brain it’s really easy to go to that negative play. So anyhow, that was about refraining the narrative next number 5. Try not to answer for them use wait time and what that means is when they say I hate this our responses analysis. We don’t again, we don’t want them to feel that so we’re going to say oh you shouldn’t they hate their old don’t feel that way. We’re telling them how not to feel old. Just think of it positively out. You know, you’re not you want them to get ownership and buy a new but you want to unpack that. You don’t want to answer for them and just react and say oh will you shouldn’t feel that way or it’s like let them feel they’re feeling but what I want to tell you is use wait time. So when they say I hate school I hate reading or whatever wait time in pause. Don’t say the first thing that wants to come out of your mouth. Gibson awkward silence some space once they say that and you pause and you’ll give some space when you get a little Gap there. Then and wait for them to see what comes out of their mouth next you’re going to hear another level and often is at all. We don’t wait. We don’t use wait time for that next level but sometimes when we wait and open that space and we don’t say anything and we don’t interrupt and tell them what they should think or answer for them. Then they will say something that’s really insightful. If we wait long enough something that really gives us as adults an open door to really see what’s underneath it and to really find a better solution. So that next don’t answer for them. Use wait time number 6 read with them. And this goes definitely for dads to most of my followers are moms. I actually just heard yesterday from somebody who’s saying how dad’s oftentimes don’t get involved in this tough enough dad’s read with your kids. You’re going to model for them that it’s important to buy parents. Either way mom’s and dad’s read the story with them even if their middle or high school, you can sit down and read it with them to get the ball rolling to get them into the story often time to talk about the first three chapters of a book and how a lot when did rushes into the first three chapters? They’re not soaking it in and it’s so important to do that early reading and a very slow intentional way to really grasp what’s going on in the book. So if you have a reader who’s not a strong reader there off and going to skim through that and they’re not reading they’re just looking at words on a page of the difference between reading and looking at words on a page. They’re not soaking it in but read with them naked fun. Make it a thing have food around to talk about it get excited about it get them to have ownership in buying in the process find a special place in the house a cozy Place ask them. Where do you want to read? What do you want to be doing when you read okay, I get ownership from by and you want to have should we get you know some sparkling water or some orange juice or cookies or what, you know eat again, even if its eyes were like make it a thing get some ownership in Buy and read with them. Now next one number seven is read along side them. So you’re reading your own thing while they’re reading their thing. So if you’re alongside them, you’re showing them that you value reading if you’re saying you got to read and make them sit down and read and you go do your own thing. There’s not out there that you’re not modeling that you value reading now. They see you reading all the time like And that’s something that you do and enjoy for fun. Anyway than your modeling that you value that makes yet, but these you want to think about that you want to model it for them that you find Value in it. And so do it alongside them was number 7 number 8 asked what would it take? So say that you hate reading you don’t want to do it. What would it take for you to like it? What would it take for you to start this chapter? What would it take for you to get to not feel so much anger towards reading what would it take for you to not feel like you hate school you hate reading what would it take so that you can use that question starter with many different forms. What would it take number 9? chunk it down. Part of why somebody would say I hate reading as because they’re overwhelmed and it’s feel so big. They’re holding a book. It’s a 200-page book that just feels huge. It feels overwhelming. It feels like it’s going to take a lot of time that overwhelm again comes into the human body the nervous system. The body is feeling something cinematically. They’re feeling the resistance. They’re feeling gripping and their their body the muscular system is ready for fight flight or freeze. Okay, how do you get the nervous system to feel more comfortable with that? Like it just feels so big and overwhelming. Well, you make it feel less overwhelming by shrinking it down. You junk it down you jump into Ways by timing by task. Okay. I can’t read this whole book. It’s cool. Can you read a chapter? No, that’s too much cool. Can you read a page? No, that’s too much school. Can you read a paragraph? No can read a word. No. Can you read a letter? Yes start that that’s kind of a joke, but I see the last start where you have to start chunk it down a small as you need to so that it doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore. Okay, you need to read for an hour. No, that’s too much weed rapper. No 50 minutes. No 5 minutes. No 3 minutes. No one minute. Yes. Let’s start there. You have to understand this is about the nervous system that they have a story that’s making him feel and they’re nervous system go crazy. Like this is a threat you have to shrink that so that it doesn’t feel so overwhelming help them chunk. That was number nine. Chunk it down by time or by task. 10 mom Kate you said? I’m so frustrated. I know you are and I do take that very seriously, and I I know that you’re trying to help your child do what they need to do try and help them execute this executive function, but they are not initiating. They’re not executing. They’re not doing the tasks that they need to do that in their own best interest because it’s their assignment. One thing there is a you parents also is you’re so frustrated make sure that you are self-regulating that you have self care that you’re taking care of your own nervous system that you’re regulated that you’re not activated when that’s nervous system talking too nervous system. Not a rational person talking to a rational person or rational person talking to an irrational person the stronger nervous systems going to win both of your nervous systems are dysregulated. You’re not going to get very far with your child. So make sure your nervous system is regulated work on yourself with your journaling your meditation yourself calming techniques your Fitness making sure you’re getting good sleep yourself care, whatever you need to do to self regulate yourself. That was number 10 number 11 executive decisions know that sometimes as a parent you get to make the executive decision. You have to pick your battles. So you’re going to you’re in a situation where the school said your child has two. Read this book or these Pages or these books or choose from these books. You have to pick your battles. You might change the book. You might your child might maybe there are supposed to read a new book, but you know that they have a book that they love you might have them really read an old but even though that’s not what the assignment says. You have to make an executive decision if they look like in will actually practice reading with this bug that they already know they like or this book just isn’t working my kid hates it we’re going to read another one that’s similar in some way that they’ll accept buying for over the executive decision. Watch the movie first or watch some YouTube reviews to get them more interested or drop the book all together and get internet articles for magazines that they will read so they won’t read the book, but at least you can get them reading and finally number 12. most important of all This is really about your child’s relationship to the act of reading. This is about your child’s relationship to reading the most important thing in my opinion that we can do when it comes to a child with reading this help them fall in love with reading or at least like it and find Value in reading that is a relationship the relationship your relation your child’s relationship at this point with reading is I hate reading imagine somebody saying I hate this human being okay and that relationship between them and this other human being is intense. They don’t want to be with that person. That’s what they’re having with reading. I hate reading I don’t want to be with reading about the relationship with reading So you want your child to have a good healthy relationship with reading you want them to find Value in reading and you want them to enjoy being off and we’re having them read and weighs where they’re not finding value in there not enjoying it. And then you have a situation where a child says I hate reading. How do we get to that point the first place while often because they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing and they’re doing what the teachers telling them to do and sometimes teachers don’t see it or teachers lose sight of it or whatever but teachers were saying you were supposed to do this. This is the assignment do what I tell you and they lose sight of hey, this is about enjoyment if your child find Value in reading and enjoys reading they will get the skills and often times teachers are too focused on these skills take the skills will come it’s more important that they enjoy it in the skills will eventually come they enjoy it and find Value in it. I don’t care how slow they read. I don’t care how perfectly they read it will get better. But if they grow up and they have value in it then they are able to read anything with skill for the rest of their life, which means that the doors open for them reading a such an important tool for human beings in terms of being able to learn something we read to learn and to grow and when that doors open for us when we find out you went and we enjoyed it. We can learn anything in the world that we want to learn because the secrets to the world earn bucks the careers to everything. So again, There’s so many benefits to reading have that talk with them about why is this important? Because it opens doors for you reading is one of the most important skills you can have in life. Okay. So talk to them about this have this discussion with them. I want you to have a good relationship with reading. What’s it going to take to have a better relationship with reading? How can we do? How can I support you? How can I help you tap a better relationship with reading? Again parents the most important thing is that your child has a good relationship with reading where they value and appreciate reading and where they like, it’s okay. So now if your kid is saying, I hate it that the huge change that’s the real thing that you’re trying to change is that relationship and I left that for last because there’s no way it’s the hardest the most overwhelming all of the other things are great tips, but how you get them to actually like it? How do you get them to read things that they find Value in? So I hope that helps with the summer reading Blues. I went into a lot of death on that. I just thought of those 12 things and put them out there for you Kate and parents and teachers. I know a lot of you were reading the watching this as well. Sorry, my brain is kind of right today, but I hope that helps you and I hope that has the school year starts you’re able to manage reading in such a way where they can have those experiences that build the happy healthy secure relationship with reading so that they can have that tool as a lifelong tool. All right guys. Have a great day.