Hidden Influences: Iceberg Theory. Can’t or won’t?

If this helps you, please *CLICK* above to share. Thanks, Seth

About: For this post, I asked you for your ideas on a topic and curated them below. I did this because one of the biggest challenges faced by the students I work with is that they are often misunderstood, and when adults respond based on a misunderstanding, it often makes things worse and creates a lot of shame. Therefore, when we have a better understanding of our children, we can support them better. See my Can’t or Won’t post for more info.

So, one day I sent an email to you, my amazing audience, and received a ton of responses. I asked everyone to tell me about some of the hidden things that influence our children, the influences that cause a lot of misunderstanding. We often only see the tip of the iceberg, and I wanted to hear what you think might be beneath the surface. This is an important post for all parents and teachers who know complicated kids who struggle because it explores the underlying problems that often go unnoticed.

Below are the responses I curated for you. I edited them only as much as needed to convey the ideas as clearly as possible.

My intention: My intention for this article is that you can read through it and saturate your mind with amazing insights that might help you help your child more effectively. I hope that it might bring to light some things that you may not have considered. I imagine that for many readers, it might help you discover things you may not have even heard of. This will help you explore this question: “What could be influencing how my child is doing?”

Note: The intention of this article is NOT to shame you, the reader. I imagine that a lot of readers may feel bad for misunderstanding their children. If you notice that you have been misunderstanding your child, the point isn’t to feel ashamed but to grow from this, to become more understanding. Remember, you were raised with certain beliefs that have had a big impact on you. Now’s the time to challenge them and discover your most authentic truth.

Finally, thank YOU for sharing your ideas, this is an amazing list filled with things I’ve never even thought of. I tried to keep your verbiage as close to your words as possible. If this helps you, please share this with other parents and teachers. Click for the full-size downloadable PDF.

 

Might any of these things be influencing your child beneath the surface?

• Executive function challenges
• Mental health issues (including bipolar, depression, anxiety)
• Traumas
• Motor difficulties, fine or gross
• Processing disorders (sensory, auditory, visual)
• Eating disorders
• Low self-esteem
• Parents divorcing
• Pyrroles disorder or Pyrroluria: a condition that causes a significant deficiency in zinc, magnesium and vitamin B6, and contributes to low-stress tolerance, difficulty concentrating, anxiety
• Central Sensitization
• Epilepsy
• Tourettes
• TBI, Traumatic Brain Injury
• Concussion
• Dyscalculia
• Type 1 or 2 diabetes
• Body image issues
• Lacking the confidence to take healthy risks
• Being shamed
• Abuse: Verbal, Physical, Sexual, Emotional
• Spanking
• Having multiple IEP supports through the elementary and middle schools, then having it all dropped going into high school…because “they’ll have to do it on their own after they graduate.”  This is like being pushed of the limb or cliff for the kids. High school quickly becomes one big panic attack when they thought it would be the best time of their lives.
• Notations of discontinued IEP accommodations not remaining in a student file for future teacher reference,  understanding vanishes, unless a parent stays on top of school communications. (all future teachers should know of past reading and/or written expression concerns)
• Loss of special services, especially when a student cannot maintain progress to remain above a specific performance threshold. Summer relapse, etc.
• Schools and districts not using the word Dyslexia or identifying students as having dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia.
• Circadian Rhythm Disorder (in opposition of early morning school schedules)
• Seasonal Affective Disorder
• Electronics-Induced Insomnia
• Anemia/Vitamin deficiency (Iron, Magnesium, B vitamins).  Girls may present differently than boys.
• Chronic dehydration/Dehydration-Induced headaches
• Tick-related issues, other than Lyme.
• Paranoid personality type.  So busy scanning their environment that their data intake pipeline clogs.
• Hereditary ADHD and Executive Function issues in at least one parent at home can mean minimal effective in-home support.
• Home environment may not be conducive to improvement outside a classroom setting (no peace, disruptive or fear/anxiety-inducing neighborhood, hoarding household, etc)
• Love/Chronic Crushes/Fanaticism …extreme preoccupation with matters of the heart rather than being in an academic headspace.
• Preoccupation for right-brain creative inner fantasy life in avoidance of reality, schedules, order, and goals out of sheer personal pleasure preference.
• PANDAS/PANS.
• OCD
• Lack of sleep
• Perfectionism
• Hormonal changes
• Poverty
• The curriculum is too rigorous and too fast
• Short-term and/or long-term memory deficits
• Central auditory processing issues
• Visual processing issues
• Processing speed
• Dysgraphia
• Asynchronous development
• Aspbergers, Autism, ASD
• Post-concussion effects
• Peer dynamics
• Feeling “unheard”
• Too much screen time
• Ancestral trauma (child and even his/her parents may not even be fully aware of It’s presence or impact).
• Caregiver distress/burnout (for siblings but also could be parent(s) or other relatives.
• Constipation.
• Trauma history
• Misophonia – which is a severe reaction to noise – can be chewing, clicking of pens, sounds the pencil makes of paper
• Poor diet &/or nutrition
• Blood sugar imbalance
• Hormonal imbalance such as thyroid and sex hormones
• Allergies (histamine is a neurotransmitter)
• Dysbiosis (imbalance of intestinal bacteria, or gut bacteria thriving in the wrong section of the intestines)
• Food sensitivities
• Leaky gut
• Lack of exercise
• Less than optimal sleep habits
• Environmental toxins (mold, lead, mercury)
• Copper overload
• Vitamin B-6 deficiency
• Zinc deficiency
• Methyl/folate imbalances
• Amino acid imbalances
• Undetected chronic infections (Ex: SIBO, Lyme disease, EBV)
• SIRS (Systematic Inflammatory Response Syndrome) caused by mold.
• Living in an abusive household
• Adoption
• Birth trauma
• Sensory processing issues
• Lack of trust or lack of connection with the teacher has created so much anxiety for my kids. They can’t learn the content if the teacher can’t or won’t “figure out” my 2E kiddos.
• Seasonal syndrome
• Social Media or stresses from Social Media
• Social anxiety
• Lyme disease
• Crohn’s disease
• Food allergies or sensitivities (known or unknown)
• Undiagnosed learning disabilities
• Sensitivities to environmental toxins, off-gassing
• Processing disorders (a big one that is misunderstood or unnoticed)
• Discrepancies in all sorts of different domains (for example, reads way above grade level, writes way below grade level)
• Trauma nobody knows about or acknowledges
• Bullying nobody is aware of
• Relationship drama
• Sleep problems
• Highly sensitive emotionally
• Indigo child – highly sensitive to spiritual matters
• LGBTQ kids with identity crisis/depression
• Emotionally overwhelmed
• Chronically fatigued
• Medical diseases or conditions that the child or family choose to keep private
• Side effects from various types of medications
• Feeling uncomfortable with the teacher, feeling that a teacher doesn’t like him/her, feeling misunderstood, feeling that nothing he/she ever does is good enough
• Not challenged in class
• Vision problems
• Hearing problems
• Weakened immune system
• Lack of clarity from the teacher about the expectations
• Hunger
• Lonely
• Just having a bad day
• Rigidity
• Values (school & learning not being a high priority)
• General inactivity
• Addiction to video games
• Peer pressure
• Sibling rivalry/favoritism
• Insensitive/idiot siblings
• Sibling off to college
• Changes in living situations
• Moving
• Changes in school/Teacher out on maternity leave…
• Alternating living with mom/dad
• Divorce/Remarriage
• New sibling
• Lack of companionship/friends
• Loss of companion/friend
• Poor choice re: companions/friends
• Fear generated by media/world situation
• Phobias
• Lack of role model
• Nightmares
• Neighborhood
• Amount of time alone
• Part of the country you live in
• Family’s education/awareness/functionality
• Food dye. We removed that from our son’s diet over 8 years ago and it made a huge difference for our son. 2 of our 4 boys are very sensitive to red 40 and the yellow dyes. Many professionals dismissed this but I think the American Academy of Pediatrics just (like in the last few months) advised that there is an impact. We also avoid high fructose corn syrup.
• Processing SPEED is huge when attached to ADD. A child who has a pace that is very different than the speed of current society is sometimes labeled SLOW ….as in intelligence. Combine that with distractions and daydreaming and the amount of time it takes to complete one task is enormous! Kids with processing speed issues will almost never finish A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. within the bell-shaped curve, the calculated time it SHOULD take.
• My kids pretty often have a narrative going in their own mind(s) that interferes with their executive function ability (especially when it comes to school work, but also everyday tasks can suffer). Either it’s a story-type game that they are silently imagining, or they are re-telling themselves some movie/video game or a story they read. Unless an adult knows that they are prone to doing this, often there is no way that we would/could know.
• When a child gets “stuck” on some interpersonal dynamic (especially in a classroom/school situation) that the adult (teacher/administrator, usually) either didn’t notice or wasn’t privy to. Kids often have, to adult eyes, an over-active perception of what is “fair” or “how it should have been” and some kids can’t put their indignation or other emotions about that situation aside in order to turn to whatever new situation/lesson/project is at hand according to the adult’s perspective. Category of “thinking teacher doesn’t like you” but with a twist: When my 12-year-old was in first grade and we had never heard of “2e”, I now realize she was reprimanded many times in class bc a) she was really excited about learning, so she spoke out of turn a lot …and b) has ADHD and so impulse control was hard. So, teacher reprimands based on a kid’s passion for learning that eventually leads the kid to shut down.
• ADHD — not really hidden, but for our son, it may not be the biggest issue. He is not hyperactive, but has some of the other traits that are associated with ADHD (all the EF stuff).
• Central auditory processing issues — this, in my opinion, is a HUGE “invisible” influence. You have hearing problems on your list, below, but this one is tricky and is not diagnosed in the school screenings or even by most audiologists. We had to visit Able Kids in Ft. Collins to figure this one out. Eli hears just fine, but his ears are not working together correctly, so the timing of input in one ear does not match the timing of input in the other ear. I can only imagine how much work it is for this kind of brain to listen to lectures, verbal instructions, etc.
• Visual processing issues — again, quite “invisible”, although perhaps not as much as the auditory issue. We also had to go to a specialist for this one (Hellerstein & Brenner in Greenwood Village). Somewhat like his ears, his eyes were not working well together. Luckily, unlike the auditory issue, this can be trained with practice. Vision therapy yielded some good results.
• Processing speed — I’m not sure what more to say about this one, except that it was shown to be an issue on some of his testing. I do know that he has difficulty getting what’s in his head out onto a piece of paper. It seems to be something like the inability to organize things in his head before putting them out into the world. Also, he’s a thinker and when he has too many balls in the air, prioritization and organization are difficult. In any case, it’s definitely something that you can’t see.
• Dysgrahpia — surprisingly, this really shouldn’t be “hidden” at all, but it was never diagnosed, even though I suggested it to various professionals over the years. His writing is hugely inefficient and illegible. All I can say is thank goodness for keyboards! 6) Asynchronous development — teachers don’t seem to see or acknowledge this, but it’s a big influence.
• Influence of siblings that don’t have EF issues and have difficulty relating — especially when that sibling is a twin.
• Class Participation: A combination of social pragmatic skills (relating to others, speaking with peers, having and maintaining conversations and friendships) and Processing Speed (responding to others in a prompt fashion when addressed, starting to do something after instructions are given) combined greatly influence Executive Functioning. In High school a combination of lacking social pragmatic skills and slow processing speed is a debilitating. It means that the student appears mute, doesn’t speak when asked something, doesn’t respond, has a lot of uh, uhms, aahs when called upon in class. They are not dumb, they were not dreaming and they DID do their reading homework. They are just unable to have their brain process your request and respond in a timely manner. It leaves them feeling frustrated because they know everything about what the class is discussing, they have been following along, they just cannot form the response till about 60 seconds later.
• Social times before school, during lunch, after school: Peers/Students notice that this student is always “a little slow on everything”, doesn’t laugh at jokes (probably because by the time they “get it” everyone has moved on), and is really a very quiet person who seems to prefers their own company. Combine this with not being able to start conversations and insert themselves into a discussion, even over a favorite topic, and this person will be alone, with no friends. They want friends, they yearn for them, they can’t get their brain and words to do anything though.
• Group Work: No one wants to team up in a group project with this person. The teacher is frustrated because they always have to ask someone to add this person to their group. And finally, the student is shamed and embarrassed because this happens EVERY TIME they have to do a group project. The fact that this student is an A student, that only gets a B in presentations, is not noticed. Worse, they get teamed with another person really quiet, non-communicative and neither of them knows what the other is working on in the project. They will both do the entire project at the expense of other work, sleep and rest, and only one person’s work will be submitted. They don’t even know each others name or email address enough to communicate. Another difficult situation is being paired with students who are not vested too much in the project. This means they don’t take it seriously, miss out most of the work required from the rubric and don’t agree with the one student who knows what needs to be done but doesn’t have the skills to convince anyone else.
• Sleep Problems: If homework or project takes a regular student 30 minutes, it will take some students with slow processing time, twice or three times as long. So multiply this with four to six subjects and most days these students spend all the time from when they get home from school to bed time completing work. They only take a break for dinner and shower. This leads to fatigue and sleep problems – because there is no time to exercise, relax, decompress. Medications also affect sleep.
• Loneliness: This is the one #1 thing that keeps parents like me up at night. My child who is a combined social pragmatics disorder + slow processing speed speaks to no one outside the context of school work. He sits by himself for lunch – or sits with some people but doesn’t engage in conversation (doesn’t have the skills). If someone speaks to him, he will engage, but never initiate. He tries, but often other peers walk away, or ignore and continue their conversations. It’s very hard to make friends, but when communications disorder is your thing, then it’s a down and out lonely time. At home, we are his safe people and he doesn’t exhibit these problems as much and is able to talk/initiate conversation. It leads to anxiety and depression. The internet social media groups are the only place he can communicate anonymously with strangers and feel he belongs to something, and someone knows him. This is dangerous not because they will be preyed on, but because their mind is consumed now with whatever they are consuming on these social media – without interference and influence of other peers and people in real life. If a parent is lucky, this internet consumption is harmless – saving the tiger, atheism, climate issues. But it could easily be something more insidious. (Hate to say it but parents need to have an internet watchdog on their child’s computer to stay informed and provide other avenues of expression, even something as little as a list of the websites visited).
• Teacher: My student is struggling but never comes to my Office Hours where I can help him 1:1 I asked my son’s six teachers if they had ever seen him smile or laugh. Heartbreakingly, none of them had. (See Loneliness, this breaks a parents heart). Some hadn’t ever seen him speak either, nor interact with anyone else, other than for a class project. They gave helpful tips about how he could engage with other students, but I have never seen these teachers ever speak to my student 1:1. They are open to him coming during their office hours and can be a great help, but never seek him out to speak to him and get to know him.

If this helps you, please *CLICK* above to share. Thanks, Seth