A parent writes:
“Natural consequences… one of my takeaways from the summit was to not be my kid’s executive function (at least as much), and allow natural consequences to happen. Yesterday was a test for me. My daughter started community college two weeks ago. Yesterday, she had classes start at 8a. Her alarm went off at 7a. And again at 7:09a. Then silence. I told her the night before I’d give her a ride as long as she was ready by 7:30a. But after that, I had commitments. At 7:19a I started getting anxious. At 7:24a I was irritated. I watched the clock tick down reminding myself not to save her. That was hard.”
WHEN can we let kids “Fail Safe? When is it rescuing? Enabling? Saving? Maladaptive? Helping too much or not enough? Here I explain several core concepts to empower you. Please share if you like it.
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🙏 Thanks! — Seth
Video Transcript: Coming soon
Hi Seth, my 18 year old son has Aspergers and one of the things I worry about most is that he doesn’t tend to think to ask for help – it just doesn’t enter his head to ask. I would be worried in this instance that he wouldn’t take me up on my offer to help and he wouldn’t be able to work it out himself, or wouldn’t get around to it. How do I help him to learn to ask for help?
I wish as a mom with a 33 year old ADD young lady, I had learn these strategies. I wish I had known of Seth Perler and his thoughts and ideas to have managed myself during her crazy episodes of handing her work in with 1 min to spare. And I am an OT who couldn’t see my own problems.
This video is worth gold both for me as a parent and educator. The notion of appropriate scaffolding also reminds me of the importance of doing with rather than doing for.
I struggle with my oldest self deprecating all the time to the point I get raveled up in that and I miss out on the bigger picture.
Also extreme animosity between my kiddos.
One had executive function issues and my youngest does not. So my youngest picks on his big brothers weaknesses
Great stuff! I wish I had this when my children were younger!
Seth
I loved this for so many reasons. 1-it was short and to the point. It is just the right length with some key concepts that I can absorb in my day. 2-it sounded exactly like my challenges. 3- I like how you used the parents story . My biggest worry is that if I don’t help my kid, he will miss school and get behind and it is already so hard to stay caught up. OR I worry if I don’t wake him he will text me or call me a hundred times to come help him. Thank you for making this video.
Love the approach of using natural consequences, as I feel this is the main way to truly learn your way through life. In regards to school though, I do worry that if he started missing assignments, he’d get so far behind that he wouldn’t be able to catch up. And I’m not sure he’d care enough about his grades to do anything differently. Plus, he’s only in middle school, so I don’t feel like he has enough skills yet to come up with solutions to the consequences.
I believe my 15 yr, grade 10, would sleep in, get the work from the teacher, do it with no further repercussions, and then get caught in the belief that he can always get the work later and hand it in on his own time, ie, he will sleep in every day since it is permissible. Our school ends up calling and texting me and my husband, with absent alerts at noon and supper times so effectively, we are getting punished for his sleeping in. I’ve yet to figure out how to stop these calls and get the consequences directed at him. He does have to visit the secretary and get a late slip before proceeding to class, but he doesn’t seem to mind this extra step or see how his tardiness disrupts the classroom, or our day. So, I continue to be his EF and am trying gentle reminders rather than the yelling that took place up to this point.
This example and discussion is so timely for me. I especially like the concept of the “gray zone” as beyond comfort and before…what would you call it? burnout? My 11yo seems to have a rather narrow gray zone. We move from comfort to shutting down or lying pretty quickly. Any suggestions for identifying and maybe expanding that gray zone?
My 15yr old daughter has a crazy schedule and has now forgotten various parts of her sports uniform several time. I have “rescued “ her and brought it. I’ve suggested with no success that she set her stuff out the night before. After reading a post in the Facebook group someone suggested a no phone morning. I knew that would be a hard sell and didn’t want to start a fight so instead I told her (in a stronger tone tha.n I was striving for) that she had 2 options- she could choose not to have her phone in the morning until everything was done or she could put all of her stuff together right after dinner, before homework. 1 day down so far so good. Toning down my anxiety and how it affects how I speak to her is such a challenge. Thanks for all the information you out!